He Never Apologises: Unpacking the Gender Dynamics of Saying Sorry

As a leading relationship therapist, I’ve observed countless couples navigate the nuances of apologies and accountability. Interestingly, one pattern often emerges: women tend to apologise more frequently than men.

This isn’t merely an anecdotal observation but is backed by research. Understanding why this occurs involves examining societal norms, cultural influences, and the power dynamics underlying gender behaviour. Let’s dive into the evidence and consider how these factors shape our approach to conflict resolution and relationship health.

Research consistently shows that women apologise more often than men, but the reasons behind this trend are complex and rooted in how offences are perceived. A study by Schumann and Ross (2010) found that while women report apologising more frequently, it’s largely because they view a wider range of behaviours as warranting an apology. In other words, women are more likely to perceive certain actions as offensive or harmful, prompting a quicker acknowledgement of responsibility.

Cross-cultural research adds another layer, indicating that cultural norms also play a role in shaping these behaviours. For instance, Chinese women tend to use formal apology strategies more than men, reflecting cultural expectations around humility and politeness. Conversely, men’s apologies are more influenced by social hierarchies and power dynamics, highlighting how societal structures can affect interpersonal communication.

Apologies can subtly reinforce social power dynamics, often positioning the apologiser as having less power than the person receiving the apology. This is particularly noticeable in Western cultures, where offering an apology can be seen as a sign of vulnerability. Since men are socialised to avoid vulnerability and uphold a sense of dominance, they may perceive apologising as a potential threat to their social standing. In relationships, this dynamic can manifest as a reluctance to admit fault, which may hinder open communication and conflict resolution.

The roots of these differences extend back to childhood socialisation. Boys are often taught to display toughness and emotional restraint, which can discourage them from acknowledging mistakes or showing vulnerability. This “restrictive emotionality” is not just about limiting emotional expression; it influences their willingness to apologise and take accountability as adults.

Parents also play a crucial role in shaping these behaviours. When boys observe inconsistent or punitive responses to mistakes, they may learn to avoid accountability to protect themselves from negative outcomes. These early experiences can set a lifelong pattern of defensiveness and reluctance to apologise, affecting both their personal relationships and professional interactions.

When it comes to the type of apology, men and women often have different expectations. 

Research indicates that women show stronger physiological recovery when they receive more elaborate apologies, while men tend to respond better to simpler, more direct apologies. This suggests that women may value the emotional effort and sincerity conveyed in an apology, whereas men may prioritise efficiency and resolution.

Interestingly, the gender of the person offering the apology can also shape how the apology is perceived. In professional settings, female apologisers are often seen as warmer, which can help mitigate perceived coldness from their transgressions. In contrast, male apologisers are viewed as more competent, helping to offset any perceived incompetence. These perceptions reflect broader gender stereotypes and influence how apologies are interpreted in various contexts.

Men who consistently avoid apologising may experience significant long-term consequences. Initially, refusing to apologise can create a temporary boost in self-esteem, as it maintains a sense of control and integrity. However, this approach often leads to defensiveness and inhibits personal growth. Without acknowledging mistakes, individuals miss opportunities to learn and improve, which can stunt emotional growth.

Furthermore, the refusal to take responsibility can strain or ruin relationships. In my practice, I’ve seen how the avoidance of accountability often leads to lingering resentment and unresolved conflicts, undermining trust and security. Over time, these issues can escalate, leading to emotional disconnection or even relationship breakdown.

On a physiological level, avoiding apologies is linked to higher stress levels and adverse health outcomes. Unresolved conflicts and suppressed emotions can contribute to increased heart rate and blood pressure, elevating the risk of stress-related health problems. In contrast, embracing forgiveness and responsibility is associated with better emotional regulation and reduced stress.

The tendency for women to apologise more than men is not just a matter of personality differences or individual choice; it reflects deeper societal patterns and expectations. While women may be more inclined to perceive actions as offensive and offer apologies, men’s avoidance of apologies is often tied to maintaining social power and avoiding vulnerability. By recognising these patterns, couples can work towards healthier communication practices.

I often encourage a shift away from the word “apology” and instead use the term “acknowledgement.” While an apology can imply that a clear wrongdoing has occurred, the reality is that in most relational conflicts, the core issue isn’t about assigning blame. Instead, it typically arises from unmet needs, miscommunication, or misaligned expectations.

Rather than focusing on fault, it’s more helpful to understand the situation as a “misalignment” in communication. The emphasis should be on addressing these unspoken needs or clarifying fears, rather than attributing fault.

An acknowledgement, therefore, centres on recognising the impact that a disruption or “bump” in the connection has had on the relationship, without framing it as one person being in the wrong. It’s about validating the other person’s experience and addressing the rupture in connection, which helps to repair the relationship and restore intimacy or connection without assigning unnecessary blame.

I once knew a woman who said “sorry” constantly, yet never truly apologised or took responsibility for the hurt she was causing her family.

The takeaway here is powerful: if you find yourself apologising too often, shift your focus to acknowledging disruptions in your connections instead. And if your partner feels you never apologise, find a way to own your role in the conflict. Take responsibility for any rupture you may have contributed to, and openly acknowledge the “bump” in your relationship.

In my practice, I’ve found that the most resilient relationships are built on the foundations of empathy, vulnerability, and accountability. When both partners recognise their own contributions to conflict and take responsibility, they foster a profound and secure attachment dynamic that strengthens their bond over time.

Citations 

1. Schumann, K., & Ross, M. (2010). "Why women apologize more than men: Gender differences in thresholds for perceiving offensive behavior." Psychological Science.

2. Xiao-yan, Z. (2004). "Gender differences in Chinese apologies." Journal of Pragmatics.

3. Stephenson, M. T. (2016). "Physiology and apology: An investigation of potential differences." Communication Research Reports.

4. Wei, Y., & Ran, Y. (2019). "Male versus female apologizers: How gender of the apologizer influences consumer forgiveness." Journal of Consumer Psychology.

5. Koh, E., et al. (2019). "The perception of social power in apologies and compliments." Journal of Social Psychology.

6. Hartley, R. E. (1959). "Pressures in the socialization of the male child." Psychological Reports. 

7. Sterponi, L. (2009). "Accountability in family discourse: Socialization into norms and standards." Journal of Pragmatics.

8. Thorpe, R. E., et al. (2021). "Incarcerated Black men's restrictive emotionality and health outcomes." Journal of Men’s Health.

9. Thompson, R. A. (2008). "Social learning theory: Applications in educational and therapeutic settings." Psychological Review.

10. Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M., & Hedrick, K. (2013). "Refusing to apologize: Sometimes it feels good to be bad." European Journal of Social Psychology.

11. Thomas, S. P., & Millar, M. (2008). "The impact of failing to give an apology: Need for cognition, anger, and stress." Journal of Behavioral Medicine.

12. Lewis, M., Parra, G., & Cohen, D. (2015). "Apologies in close relationships: A review of theory and research." Personality and Social Psychology Review.

13. Witvliet, C. V. O., Ludwig, T. E., & Vander Laan, K. L. (2001). "Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health." Psychological Science.

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