You’re a Triple Threat, Baby! Keeping Yourself Safe From Narcissistic Abuse: A Dating Protocol for Women
I work with women who use online dating to meet partners, and I also work with women who have escaped a narcissistically abusive relationship with a partner they met offline.
Every week, I see considerable damage done by these personality types. It is heartbreaking. I have devised a protocol for women that, when used correctly, aims to reveal a person’s dark side (if they have one), so as to prevent an innocent person winding up in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive.
Who are we trying to avoid?
The “Dark Triad” is a term used to describe three distinct yet related harmful personality traits: psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism, which share several characteristics such as manipulation, exploitation, emotional coldness, and lack of empathy. The Dark Triad has been associated with several negative behaviors including infidelity and risky sexual behavior¹. These predators target women who are highly empathic, optimistic, and intelligent.
“To date, there is no research or evidence to scientifically inform us about how to detect a predator in the online space. The myriad of things one can post is endless, so it becomes challenging to determine the red flags. Also, it is incredibly difficult to diagnose someone's personality using only small bits of information. A therapist would spend hours of clinical assessment. By looking for cues on someone's Tinder profile, you might make stereotypical judgments that will reject people when there are people you could have given a chance. Understand that narcissists are very good at first impressions and can keep their behavior in line and seem impressive to you over little bits of time. In saying that, if you want to get to know someone better, the safest thing to do is to meet early but arrange it in a way that it is in small bits.”
Psychology Professor Peter Karl Jonason²
The Protocol
The following approach can help you to assess the potential for someone’s personality to be harmful to you within the first few conversations or dates. The tactics are intended to take anywhere from hours/days to weeks. These are safeguards I have designed for the culture we live in where many people are using online dating or social media to meet partners.
Always consider the rule of three - three things indicate a pattern. Always look for patterns, rather than relying too heavily on a single piece of evidence.
Tactic One: The Pattern
The Best Predictor Of Future Behaviour In Relationships, Is Past Behavior In Relationships.
Using your natural personality style and character strengths, overtly or more naturally elicit information about your date’s romantic relationship history.
If you are under 25 years of age and reading this article, it is not expected that you - or other folks your age, will have necessarily had a long term relationship or multiple long term relationships.
This is what you’re wanting to establish:
Have they had a long term relationship?
Have they had a smattering of short term relationships?
Have their only relationships been a series of flings or dribs and drabs of a few months here, and a couple of months there?
Do their relationships follow a pattern trajectory (i.e. do they break up with someone around the 2 year mark, or do their relationships end soon after moving in with someone, for example)?
Are there unexplained gaps in their relationship history?
Did their break ups follow the same theme/s?
Do they have a harem? (A harem in this instance, is considered a network of loose ties of flings, dates, lovers, one night stands, and short term relationships/ flirtations. This can be a red flag that the person maintains superficial relationships with others who they tap when they need a hit - for their ego).
Do they have a “type”? Everyone has a type or several types of person they’re attracted to - if this person you’re considering dating seems to date anyone and everyone, this may be a red flag as it can be a sign of lack of discernment or boundaries or truly knowing themselves/having healthy self-esteem.
Are they open and candid about their romantic past, or do they refuse to talk about it either by being elusive or shutting down the conversation, getting defensive or blaming you for “overstepping boundaries” or being too “intense”?
Are they able to clearly articulate why their relationship(s) ended? If they can’t give you a sound explanation, this can be a sign that they lack insight into their own psychology, and lack empathy for their ex partner(s).
Are they able to take 50-100% of the responsibility for the relationship ending or do they blame the relationship ending entirely on the other person?
Are they the one who always leaves their romantic relationships [The Avoidant] or/ and are they the one who always gets left [The Victim], or is it a balanced history?
Do they claim to have a history of being cheated on (i.e. if more than one partner cheated on them, this may be a red flag because it can be indicative of someone manipulating you to think they are a Victim).
Do they have a history of cheating on their partners?
What do they define as infidelity?
Do they have a pattern/history of claiming to have been very badly treated in romantic relationships? (e.g. repeatedly left, rejected, cheated on, rejected, betrayed, abused, humiliated, used, taken advantage of etc).
Do they report a history of dating people they refer to as “unstable”, “crazy”, “mentally ill”, “violent”, “abusive”, or “volatile”?
When you’re around them, do you feel considerable concern, worry, compassion, or care about their tragic stories? (e.g. if they tell an intense or dramatic story about how badly their ex treated them or make their ex out to be a terrible person who did a terrible things and it pulls at your heartstrings, or they lead you to believe they’ve had a really rough time of it with other women).
Do they talk badly about their ex partners?
The number one thing you’re looking for is this: Does this person overall speak well of the people they have in their life now and have had in their life previously?
They may mention one bad apple [most of us have had a bad apple in our histories], but there should not ever be any hatred, disgust, or contempt expressed towards their previous female partners - especially not to you, as someone they have only just met.
Most importantly - are they friends with their ex partners? If someone is not friends or at least on good terms with any of their ex partners, this may indicate a pattern of high conflict endings to their relationships.
Taken in and of themselves none of the above are relevant - look for the rule of threes, and look for patterns.
For example, if someone has 1) Never had a long term relationship, that’s not necessarily a red flag. However, if they, 2) Get defensive or change the subject when you enquire more about that, and then 3) Make themselves out to be The Victim in some way or/and “love bomb”* you…. run…fast.
*I am not a fan of the term “love bomb” because it does not accurately take into account the full spectrum of the ways in which emotionally abusive types manipulate their victims. For brevity, I will not touch on “love bombing” in this article.
Tactic Two: The Seconder
Wherever and however possible, expose them to relating to a wide range of people on dates 1-3 so that you can observe how they relate to others. Critically analyse their behaviour towards hospitality staff, members of the public, service professionals, neighbours, associates, or taxi drivers.
If you observe three instances of aloofness, coldness, disinterest, rudeness, one-upping, entitlement, or being overly friendly/ intense [trying too hard], across dates 1-3, this is a red flag. If they’re attentive to you but disinterested or cold to everyone else, this should be concerning, as it indicates they are disingenuous.
We usually think of a date as between two people: My advice is to involve other people in the first 1-3 dates whenever possible. Consider a double date or taking a friend along and invite them to bring a friend along too.
You will learn more about a person you do not know that well in a group setting, than you will ever learn one on one, in the first few days or weeks of dating someone.
If you can’t take a pal along, consider taking part in an activity wherein you could join alongside another social group. Seeing how your date interacts with strangers during a fun social event such as tenpin bowling or a group windsurfing lesson will afford you a significant amount of data in an extremely small window.
Meeting someone for a coffee or a drink will produce a very small amount of data, most of which will be irrelevant to establishing whether this person is actually a good person because people with harmful personalities are so marvellously talented at hiding their darker qualities.
If you make it though dates 1-3 with no red flags, then you can move toward more intimate settings or scenarios!!
Tactic Three: Background Checks
We are the sum of the few key people we spend most of our time with.
No one takes on an employee, contractor, or tenant without doing reference and background checks. Somewhat ironically, none of these people can ruin your life to the extent that a sexual or romantic partner can.
We should run reference checks on potential romantic partners that we don’t know or don’t know very well.
Perhaps you’ve had a few dates over a few weeks/months and you’re wondering whether to introduce them to your friends or family to see what they think.
Heck, if your friends and family like them, that’s a good sign, right? Wrong. Narcissistic people are highly likely to manipulate your friends into thinking they’re a good person too. Your friends and family are sometimes an unreliable source of establishing evidence. On the other hand, their friends may be a more reliable source of evidence. The depth and duration of a person’s friendships say a lot about someone’s relationality.
If someone has no friends, this is a red flag.
If someone only has one or two friends, this is a red flag.
If someone refers to their colleagues as their “friends” (and they have no other friends outside of work), this is a red flag.
If their only “friends” are people they have had sex with, this is a red flag.
If their “friends” are superficial or fair-weather friends - this is a red flag.
If their “friends” are abundant on social media but scarce in real life - this is a red flag.
If your date is open to you meeting their friends because you’ve asked respectfully with no expectations or strings attached, that’s a good sign. If they understand that you are genuinely concerned about ensuring they are who they say they are, if they have nothing to hide, and they care about you as a human being, they’ll not make an issue of it. In fact, they’ll probably think you’re cool.
It could potentially be an unreasonable expectation to ask to meet their people after only a couple of dates because they are also still getting to know you, however, I do not see it unreasonable to ask to meet some of your date’s tribe if you have been seeing each other for around 1-2 months. Meeting new people is normal. If they get defensive or weird, that’s a red flag and I’d stop dating them at that point.
If they welcome you to meet their friends, you have two tasks at that point:
Establish whether their friends are good, kind, genuine people that you would be potentially open to having in your life - they don’t necessarily need to be the sort of people that you would call your own friends, but they still need to be good and genuine people who care a great deal about your date.
Try and meet several of their friends (four might be ideal, such as two of their single friends and a couple, or two couples, for example). Couple friends are good because they provide more data than singles because they provide dynamics to observe - and dynamics are evidence.
What you really want is to meet their family (this is where the truth lies), but it’s way too soon for that obviously, so you’re going to need to reference check them instead.
How to perform reference checks on a potential sexual/romantic partner:
Review their social media/online presence, check who follows them and who they follow - you’re looking for any indications of incongruence.
Ask around your communities/their communities.
Thirdly, and most importantly, ask to be introduced to one or two of their long term ex partners. Hopefully, their ex partners are more than willing to tell you all about what a wonderful person your date is, and effectively endorse them. All you’re asking for, is 5-10 minutes of their ex-partner’s time, to ascertain if they felt safe with the person you’re dating. That is, the person was not abusive, volatile, or extremely erratic in any way. Your date may not have been the perfect partner for that person, but there’s a difference between a relationship not working out, and someone who exists within the dark triad.
Using these three approaches - background checks with exes, observing your date with as many other people as possible, and getting to grips - either subtly or overtly - with your date’s romantic relationship history, is the protocol anyone should follow if they are seeking to have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone they don’t know or don’t know well. This protocol has the potential to quickly reveal red flags, saving you potential harm, hurt, or even heartbreak later down the line.
Our relationships are our greatest investment. There is nothing more important than the people we choose to have in our lives. You deserve to have good dating experiences in which you can focus on whether the person you’re dating is someone you have compatibility and chemistry with - but you can’t ascertain those things until you’ve established whether they’re a good person first!
I’m here to help you in any way I can, so please drop me a line any time if any of this article or protocol requires more clarification.
References
¹ Freyth, L., & Batinic, B. How bright and dark personality traits predict dating app behavior. Personality and Individual Differences, 168, 110316.
² Why do dating apps attract people with the dark triad of personality traits? Psychologist Professor Peter Karl Jonason.
https://psychwire.com/ask/topics/kefcjm/ask-peter-karl-jonason-about-the-dark-triad-and-dating-apps