Does relationship therapy/couples counselling work?
Everyone can greatly benefit from learning about their relationships, so why don’t more people access relationship therapy/couple counselling? I think this may come down to the fact that we live in an individualistic culture that repeatedly perpetuates the following narratives:
People should be able to figure things out alone (be independent and just get on with it);
People should work harder at the relationship (relationships are machines/ humans are robots/ communications are widgets).
You wouldn’t fix your car, you’d take the car to a mechanic. You wouldn’t fix your sink; you’d call the plumber. You wouldn’t do your own root canal, you’d see a dentist.
Couples who come to relationship therapy are generally insightful, intelligent, caring, and courageous people. Talking with one’s partner about the most vulnerable aspects of one’s interior life shows incredible bravery - doing it in front of a stranger (the therapist) is a further testament to how brave these couples are.
How can relationship therapy help?
Fresh out of high school at age seventeen, I decided to do a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Art History and Film. A relationship is like a painting in an art gallery. If we imagine that we are standing in an art gallery, in front of a beautiful canvas, we know not to stand too close.
In a relationship, we are not this smart: When the tip of our nose is pressed against the canvas, we cannot see what the painting is of. We can see only textured brushstrokes and a blur of colour.
A good relationship therapist gently leads us to the back of the gallery where we can see the painting in its entirety. It is only when we see the painting from a distance that we can see what the painting is of.
What keeps our noses pressed against the canvas? What keeps us from being able to see our partner objectively? Primarily, emotions and memories.
A good relationship therapist makes the implicit, explicit, in the following key ways:
We think that when we are calm, we are objective. We’re not. In my experience, people have no idea how they’re innocently contributing to the problem, and what to do differently that would change things for the better between themselves and their partner. We can’t see our relationships objectively; we’re too close. As the adage goes: We do not see people as they are. We see people as we are.
We think we know our partner and we think they know us - this is possibly the biggest cognitive error we all make in relationships.
We sense our partners instead of relating to them - we allow ourselves to be fooled into thinking we know what our partner thinks, feels, wants, needs at any given moment - and we are often wrong.
We allow ourselves to be fooled into thinking we know what our partner should know (by now!) what we think, feel, want, and need at any given moment - they don’t - because no one can read our mind - or our body.
Every time I see an article or book written by a couple’s therapist prescribing “better communication”, I want to cry; We think that the issue is communication - it very rarely is. The issue is relating - and relating is a completely different skillset from communicating.
We think we need to talk about things - talking very rarely solves anything, and in fact, it can make things worse - this is because talking does not calm down our nervous system response - we need to hear our partner say a couple of game-changing phrases - we don’t need to have major discussions lasting more than 10 - 15 minutes at a time.
We think we need to share our feelings - knowing how we feel at any given moment is an essential skill I teach clients. Knowing how we feel is vital - however knowing how we feel and sharing this with our partner is, is not particularly helpful - because feelings are not relational in and of themselves.
We think we’re programmed for love - we’re not. We’re programmed for war. Romantic love is not particularly useful because it doesn’t protect us from threats - we’re always scanning our environment for threats, not love. In the same way, young children scan their environment for their caregiver to ensure they are safe from danger, adults also scan their environment to check they are safe from danger.
If we perceive that our partner is making us feel anything other than completely safe, the relationship becomes disturbed even if that disturbance is like a hairline fracture of light created by mosquito legs on still water.
We think our partner processes emotional information at the same speed that we do - they may not. Everyone processes emotional data at different speeds. What this means, is that some people cannot process their own emotions, or the emotions of their partner, very efficiently. It can take hours, days, or weeks for their brains to make sense of that data. Which is another reason why “talking” things through can make things worse.
We think fighting/ arguing/ conflict is a problem - it’s not necessarily - there is good fighting and there is bad fighting - but usually the issue is not that a couple has conflict, but that a couple does not repair effectively, and so conflicts can get written into a relationship’s script as a trauma or a wound that never gets fully healed, and then we start seeing our partner as not fully on our team.
We think that we know what the problem is - I can safely say that the problem couples think they have is not the problem they actually have.
We think we are responding to our partner - But at least half the time (if not more), we are responding to our projections. We project a lot of what we learnt to expect from our early attachment environments, onto our partner. For example, if we had a volatile parent growing up, we may expect that our partner will behave in a volatile way towards us. Learning how to communicate “better” does not change this projection dynamic that happens in all relationships, for better or for worse.
We think that the topic of the conflict is the most relevant aspect. As a relationship therapist, I can tell you that the “what” and the “why” of conflict is of equal importance as the “where”, “how”, and “when” - location and timing of conflict are equally as important as what subject a couple has a conflict about.
We think that the rules and the reasons in our relationship are clear. Unless you both sat down and had a discussion about the way you as a couple do things and why you do them (governance), a relationship can quickly become based on assumptions - and assumptions damage relationships. A non-taboo example of an absence of governance is when couples have repeated conflict over how the household is managed - but when I ask them; “Have you ever discussed how you will manage your household and why you will manage it that way?” The answer is an invariable, “No.”
Can a couple have a successful but unhealthy relationship?
Yes. I know of many couples who have successful and unhealthy relationships. I appreciate that this is somewhat of an oxymoron but bear with me: A relationship can maintain its stability and its dysfunction as long as a) both partners tolerate the unhealthy behaviour that is occurring, and, b) don’t threaten the relationship’s permanence (i.e. they won’t leave).
It’s that straightforward. Couples do and can have unhealthy relationships - all that's required is that they tolerate the unhealthy dynamic and they remain in the relationship. These couples don’t come to therapy because they don’t think that their relationship (or they) have a problem - and technically, they don’t have a problem. The relationship - even if it’s dysfunctional - is still meeting some of their needs and they can hide the parts of themselves they don’t want to see, neatly behind the relationship’s dysfunction. Some people are perfectly happy being miserable or in denial.
In conclusion, it does not matter if a person or a couple seem completely “normal” or completely “crazy”. If both partners are willing to have a healthy relationship and commit to achieving that, then relationship therapy can work.
I can help anyone willing to learn and use the skills required to have a secure relationship with their partner. Relationship skills are no different to the skills we need to do our job; we learn the skills, then we use the skills. It’s not rocket science, it’s not difficult, and it’s a great deal cheaper and less painful than separation and divorce. It requires persistence, but if you’ve ever persevered at something, you can persevere at learning your partner.
When is relationship therapy not a good idea?
I don’t provide relationship therapy if one or both partners are unwilling because relationships (and by proxy relationship therapy) only work if both partners are willing.
I don’t usually provide relationship therapy if there is an active affair (I don’t distinguish between an emotional affair and a physical affair - an affair is an affair).
I don’t provide relationship therapy if there is an unaddressed drug or alcohol issue present for one or both partners.
I don’t provide relationship therapy if there is an unaddressed serious mental health issue present for one or both partners (e.g. personality disorders).
I don’t provide relationship therapy if there is serious physical or psychological violence occurring.
The kind of relationship therapy I offer is short-term, intense, and practical. At the end of the first session, I will give couples recommendations about what they can do immediately following the session and a roadmap for what we will be doing in future sessions. Couples can expect to see me on average 2-6 times over 1-3 months.
Relationship therapy/ couples counselling can help you work through conflicts and recover emotional and physical intimacy.
It’s most likely to be successful when both partners are willing and committed to the process of learning and using the skills to have a healthy relationship.
In other good news, online psychotherapy and coaching are as effective as in-person psychotherapy and coaching.