Blog post: Getting Sh*t Done (GSD) Therapy
A colleague recently lamented to me that he and his wife had been attending couples therapy weekly with their therapist for over six months. He did not want to talk about his emotions anymore, he mused. He wanted, he said, to get sh*t done.
I've been reading a book about the ancient philosophy of yin and yang in the last few days. This foray is unlike me because my usual go-to before-bed reading preference is for scientific or technical material. According to the book, most women are "yin" whereas most men are "yang". Yang is about getting straight to it and being direct and driven. Yin is more process-oriented, more fluid, more organic - slower.
I am more inclined towards "yang" forms of psychotherapy for relational issues than I am “yin” forms of psychotherapy. Being "yang" describes my approach as a therapist and coach. My approach to therapy is different from mainstream psychotherapy, and this is why practising and receiving mainstream psychotherapy didn't entirely work for me. I suspect my colleague is also a “yang” type of guy.
Flossing, relationships, and feeling better sooner
I always say to people, if you hired a personal trainer, and you weren't getting fitter or leaner, you'd be looking at your heart rate monitor, tugging at your spandex, and asking your trainer some hard questions. The same goes for psychotherapy for relationship issues. You have the right to results. You have the right to start feeling better.
Now to make it clear: I think for the sake of our relationships with other people and our planet, it would be best if everyone attended therapy at least fortnightly or monthly as a matter of course. Therapy is much like flossing. You should floss more than this, I am merely advocating that therapy should be part of our lives and something that we should all do as a matter of basic relational hygiene.
Relational self-improvement should be done as much as possible, yes, but only to the extent that you get results when you need them. Put simply, there's psychotherapy for problems, then there's psychotherapy as personal and spiritual development. Both are important but have different functions.
If you're wanting to fix things in your relationship with your partner, you want to feel better now. You don't want to keep forking out tonnes of money, time, and emotional energy not knowing when - or if - you're going to get results. Romantic relationships change and can be unpredictable. Traditional mainstream therapy tends to respond to relational crises with pseudo-Mother Teresa-like compassion and little containment - which can sometimes just feels like being swept downstream whilst someone smiles at you lovingly, telling you to "just relax and trust the process." I'm yang. F*ck the process. I want responsive. I want to know what to do.
Don’t pay someone to just listen to you “vent” - it’s an expensive waste of your time
In my career, I have had one couple come and see me as a preventative measure. They had fallen madly in love, this was not their first relationship, and they wanted it to be their last.
The rest of the couples I have seen have all come in crisis.
Bumbling along in therapy hoping that things will change, and hoping therapy will help, when you're desperate to feel and experience something different in your relationship is not particularly helpful, especially if you're like me, or you’re like my colleague, and you just want to get sh*t done.
I have had the following personal experiences from individual therapists when I went to therapy to talk about my relationships which entailed:
A lot of being listened to
A lot of validation and affirmation
A lot of feeling cared about, supported, nurtured, respected, and cherished.
In other words, a very yin type of approach. I did not, however, receive any advice on where I was going wrong, why I was going wrong, or how I was going wrong.
From couples therapists, I experienced the following:
Lots and lots of being listened to
Lots of feeling supported, cared about, respected, and heard.
I have personally seen five different couples therapists as a client.
None of them did these things:
Told us where we were going wrong
Told me where I was going wrong
Told my partner where my partner was going wrong
Explained to us why things were going wrong
Showed us how we could fix it
Informed us how long it would take for us to fix things
As no therapist ever told me where I was going wrong, all that happened was that I just made the same mistakes again with a different person. Which saw me head back to therapy. Failed relationships are expensive mistakes and they are painful mistakes.
Using Feedback Informed Treatment Means You Get Sh*t Done
Feedback Informed Treatment helps you get sh*t done because it measures your progress. Relational Life Therapy gets sh*t done because it tells you what's wrong, and how to fix it - fast.
I know it's twee, but stumbling across Terry Real completely changed my life. Through Terry's approach, I have been able to heal in ways that simply were not possible in all my other psychotherapy experiences to date.
The main differences between my approach (Relational Life Therapy) and mainstream traditional psychotherapies
1- I coach you. I get along beside you. My role is to facilitate your learning about yourself and your relational style - it’s more of a workshop approach than a lecturing (be talked at) or a being mothered approach (being vented at/ listening/ supporting you no matter what you say). I believe people heal by living relationally, not by being soothed by their partner or their therapist. My approach integrates nurturing with boundaries.
2 - I don’t follow you. Many mainstream therapists will allow the client to “lead”. Following a client who does not know what they’re doing, is like watching a train wreck about to happen. This is not ethical. Clients come to therapy because they need help. I provide easy to follow advice about how you can dance different steps/ experiment with a new dynamic.
3 - I don’t claim to be an expert. I’m a person with relationships just like you, and with my own story, just like you. If I know better, it’s because I’ve learnt the hard way, and I will show you how to get the results you want.
4 - I’m not impartial. That means that I don’t sit there as a “mediator” and not “take sides”. I will take your side on something if I think you’re not getting your needs met, and I will take your partner’s side if I think they’re not getting their needs met. It means I will call out relational abuse if I see it happening, and it means I will call out a lack of self-compassion if I see that happening.
5 - I work with grandiosity. People who are grandiose act as though they’re more entitled than others. I work with shame. People who are ashamed feel that their needs matter less than others. Most therapists are not trained or comfortable to work with grandiosity or shame in relationship therapy.
6 - I believe people can change - fast. Most mainstream psychotherapy maintains that a) true character change takes years and b) people need to be in therapy for years. We get major character change to happen within weeks to months. You won’t be left wondering what we’re doing or where we’re going.