The Art of Staying With Pleasure: A Conversation with Ilil Lunkry on Somatic Sexology

Audio interview: Serafin Upton chats with Ilil Lunkry, Somatic Sexologist

Ilil’s Website: https://www.ilil-lunkry.com/

Duration: 60 mins

Listen here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IBL5NPftpa67ILyuB5gnJemoGSYOwAKA/view?usp=drive_link

What’s This Interview About?

This is a real, unfiltered conversation about the things many of us don’t talk about - especially when it comes to sex.

Sex & Relationship Therapist Serafin Upton chats with Somatic Sexologist Ilil Lunkry about what happens in our bodies during sexual experiences - particularly when things aren’t going the way we hoped. Whether it’s struggling with erectile dysfunction, feeling anxious in bed, disconnecting emotionally, or not being able to let go - this conversation helps make sense of it all.

It’s honest. It’s practical. And it might completely shift the way you think about sex, intimacy, and your own body.

Who Is This Interview For?

• You’ve experienced performance anxiety or difficulty maintaining an erection

• You find it hard to let go or relax during sex, even when you want to

• You’re in a relationship where intimacy feels disconnected or pressured

• You’re curious about why sex sometimes feels stressful instead of enjoyable

• You want more ease and connection, not just more performance or technique

What You’ll Gain From Listening

• A better understanding of why the body sometimes shuts down during sex

• Clear, simple explanations about what’s happening in your nervous system

• Language to help talk about this with your partner or therapist

• Insight into how to stop overthinking and reconnect with your body

• A reminder that pleasure doesn’t need to be rushed - and isn’t selfish

• A look at what happens in somatic sexology sessions (if you’ve ever been curious)

Timestamps & Topics

0:00 – 1:14 | What is a Somatic Sexologist?
Ilil explains how her work uses touch, breath, and body awareness to help people reconnect with themselves.

1:15 – 4:06 | Why Talking Isn't Always Enough
Talk therapy has its limits, especially with physical or performance issues - this is about learning through the body.

4:07 – 7:00 | What’s Going on in Your Nervous System
A clear breakdown of up-regulation and down-regulation — and how anxiety or excitement impact arousal.

7:01 – 10:24 | The Urge to Rush
Why people often hurry to orgasm or check out mentally when pleasure starts to build.

10:25 – 13:08 | Pleasure Can Feel Like Too Much
Exploring the guilt, overwhelm, or self-consciousness that sometimes comes with feeling really good.

13:09 – 16:00 | Letting Yourself Be Seen
How being witnessed in your own pleasure can actually build intimacy, not take away from it.

16:01 – 18:28 | Sex Work vs. Somatic Sexology
What’s different about this modality, and how clear ethical boundaries keep it safe and educational.

18:29 – 22:13 | Creating Safety in Sessions
How practitioners work with consent, structure, and supervision to keep things grounded.

22:14 – 28:43 | Shame and the Nervous System
Understanding where shame comes from — and how it shows up physically during intimacy.

28:44 – End | Responding with Care
What it looks like to meet someone in their shame with presence, not platitudes.

Core Themes

• Performance anxiety is more about nervous system regulation than “willpower”

• Letting go during sex is a skill - and many of us were never taught it

• Couples intimacy deepens when pleasure stops being about performance

• Shame is a natural biological response - but it can be worked with and released

• Your body isn’t broken - it might just need new tools and safer conditions

"We can’t make shame disappear instantly. But we can loosen its grip by meeting it with love and acceptance." — Ilil Lunkry

"Being deeply in your own pleasure—being witnessed in that—is one of the most vulnerable and connecting things we can do." — Serafin Upton

"In somatic sexology, the goal isn’t to give a pleasurable experience—it’s to learn from it." — Ilil Lunkry

"Pleasure is powerful. And sometimes, it's terrifying." — Serafin Upton

Final Thoughts

If sex has ever felt confusing, pressured, or disconnected - this interview is for you.

Whether you're dealing with performance issues, feeling emotionally shut down, or trying to improve intimacy in your relationship, this conversation offers insight, tools, and a fresh perspective. Ilil and Serafin speak with warmth, honesty, and practical wisdom - making this a conversation that’s both accessible and genuinely helpful.