Blog post: Holding your parents accountable does not make you ungrateful or disloyal
It happens so often I have come to expect it.
He sits down and looks at me quizzically when I asked him about his childhood. “It was great”, he says, “I had a perfect childhood”.
This man comes to therapy several times a week. Or woman. Our loyalty to our family or our loyalty to our imagined childhood selves is profound. Loyalty does not discriminate. People from all walks of life have the same story to tell about their parents, families, and childhoods.
While I understand it is painful to think of our parents as anything less than wonderful, there is no need to feel guilty or ungrateful.
I have wanted to write an article about this for a long time because I want to reduce or remove the level of shame, defensiveness, or guilt folks feel when reflecting on their parents or childhoods. It’s not possible to make progress without looking to the past and holding your parents a little bit responsible.
A person may have suffered violence at the hands of an adult, or the violence of poverty. Conversely, they may have had a relatively stable childhood without poverty or violence.
Regardless, the story is usually the same.
I had a great childhood.
My childhood was idyllic.
Nothing bad happened.
My parents were wonderful.
My parents did the best they could.
No one ever comes to therapy wanting to blame their parents.
In the minutes, hours, weeks, or months that go by during a person's therapy journey, stories emerge of the non-perfect family and the non-perfect childhood.
Children who had a great childhood had the following sorts of experiences -
They could talk about their feelings and experiences (even the non-happy ones)
They could express their feelings and experiences (even the non-happy ones)
They could talk about and express their needs
They did not feel responsible for their parent/s or others' feelings or wellbeing
They did not worry about security issues such as housing, money, food, or their education
They felt relaxed, safe, and happy about being at home and with their family
They knew what mood to expect from their parents/caregivers
They knew where they stood with their parents/caregivers
They received lots of physical affection from their parents, including lots of kisses, cuddles, and hugs, etc
They received many positive affirmations from their parents about their skills and strengths, such as perseverance and being a generous friend or citizen
They were loved with physical and emotional affection and attention and time spent, not by way of material experiences or possessions
They were frequently told that they were loved
They did not experience enduring states of shame or guilt.
A psychologically healthy family is rare. This is because trauma (the opposite of the list above) gets carried down and remains until someone sees what is happening and decides to do it differently.
A traumatic or distressing context, event, or behaviour permeates the fabric of a family. It gets handed down to the next generation, much like do expressions or other quirks. So while nothing ever "bad" may have happened to you, it likely happened to your parents or grandparents.
Trauma can get diluted on the way down, but it remains until intensely grappled with.
Almost everyone feels guilty, disloyal, or ungrateful when talking about their parents or family as not being perfect.
The following advice may help -
Looking to the past to understand your present is where the wisdom lies, but it will require us to put down our defences and pick up our courage.
Most people are good people with some non-relational behaviours. These people tend to have good values and ideals and want the best for their children.
Your parents may have done the best they could, but they may have also carried trauma from their childhoods.
Your parents may not have intended to hurt you, but invariably did, because they lacked the knowledge and skills to be deeply relational.
While it may have been no one's "fault," and it's ok that you don't want to blame your parents or family, everyone needs to take responsibility and acknowledge behaviour that was non-relational.
You don't have to "get over it" and "put the past behind you" if there has been no acknowledgment of the hurt and suffering someone caused you. However, sometimes making peace with your own life may be the only option if the person who hurt you refuses to acknowledge your pain or is no longer alive.
Acknowledgment is the most genuine way we can ever apologise for the pain we have caused others.
An acknowledgment is about believing, seeing, understanding, and taking full responsibility for the pain we have caused another person.
There is nothing wrong with pointing out what needs we did not get met as children. We are not disloyal or ungrateful when we talk about our own needs - needs that all children and adults have.
One day, we will live far more relationally, but for now, we are still living with the collective and individual traumas of our great grandparents, grandparents, and parents.