Blog post: Things to consider before you break-up, separate, or get a divorce
Like most relationship therapists, I recall couples who leave a footprint on my heart.
Nearly a decade ago, I met a couple on the brink of separation. We'll call her Tamara , and we'll call him Scott.
They were gorgeous - kind, gentle, intelligent, and they adored their kids. She was, however, at her wit's end. They had been together for around ten years, and she was sick of what she perceived as Scott’s aloofness and lack of emotional response. She was considering leaving him because she couldn't take his behaviour any longer.
Seeing me was their last-ditch attempt at saving their marriage. I watched his body language on my couch as she cried.
They were going to end it until I told them the truth.
Here's what I told them: "Tamara, your husband loves you - it's not that he doesn't care. From everything I have heard from you both and everything I have observed, I am confident that Scott is on the autism spectrum. I believe this is leading you to misunderstand one another."
This came as a huge shock to both of them. Scott was later seen by a psychiatrist specialising in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and given a diagnosis. Finally, Tamara had an explanation for her husband's behaviour. They could learn about the neurological condition. Scott could learn relational and organisational skills to improve his communication with Tamara. Tamara could finally see that it was not her husband's fault - it was the way his brain processed information. It had nothing to do with his love for her. He did care, she could see that now.
This couple was unique. Sadly, the story is not. I see a lot of couples who were completely unaware that once we get to the bottom of things, profound change is possible. Many couples have been to couple therapy before, focusing on surface-level communication techniques, focusing on feelings, and date nights. These techniques don’t work if we don’t get to the heart of what is causing the problem. It is a revelation to couples who come to therapy blaming one another to be given some new information or truth about their relationship.
This truth can take many forms, and below are just some that I have come across in my clinical practice:
“He loves you, and he's trying so hard for you, but I am pretty sure he has an attention deficit disorder (ADHD), which is impacting the relationship.”
“She loves you. Your relationship, from all accounts, is a healthy one - but I believe she is clinically depressed, which is impacting the relationship.”
“He loves you, and I am not worried about the relationship per se - but I believe he has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is impacting the relationship.”
“She loves you. You clearly love her. But here’s what really worries me - neither of you are being honest with yourselves, or one another.”
If we address the core underlying issues described above (and there aren't any other significant issues), the relationship usually flourishes. What does this entail? Sometimes we teach skills (in the case of ASD/ADHD*). Sometimes we prescribe medication (in the case of depression and PTSD). Sometimes we do both.
These couples were going to end their relationship over something that can be worked through, with time and patience, bringing couples closer. I am not suggesting that every couple that comes to therapy will have issues such as the ones described above. I use these examples to illustrate the point:
What if someone could show you something you could not see yourself?
Unfortunately, by the time most couples come to therapy, the suffering has been endured for many years meaning the relationship is sometimes too far gone. Sometimes people let it get so bad that they don't want to wait around while their partner gets "help," even if they are motivated. This is why it's crucial to get help sooner rather than later. The research shows us that the problems that bring couples to therapy don't resolve on their own.
No one talks about relationships ending because of the following taboo reasons such as sex addiction, painful sex, sexual dysfunction, miscarriage, abortion, emotional abuse, or childhood trauma. There is help for couples dealing with these issues!
There's only a handful of situations where separation becomes the only option. If your partner refuses to get help for a severe psychological issue (e.g. eating disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, mood disorder, or another psychiatric problem), then separation might be the right thing to do. The same goes if your partner refuses to get help for drug or alcohol abuse, a sex addiction issue, a personality disorder, or a behavioural problem such as physical violence or excessive gambling.
By "help" I mean "take full responsibility for." Some people come to couples therapy with no intention of actually changing their behaviour. But most people want help to change because they love their partner, or they can remember a time when they did.
Suppose you want to leave your relationship because your partner was unfaithful or wants to leave you because you were unfaithful. In either case, this decision is to be deeply respected. Infidelity does not make it to the above list because it is a relational issue that can usually be resolved.
Most people separate for the wrong reasons. Very few separate for the right ones. If you're thinking of separating, before you call your lawyer, call a qualified couples therapist.
A few sessions of therapy cost thousands and thousands of dollars less than legal bills and the long-term emotional and financial costs of separation.
There's no such thing as the perfect person, but you can have a near-perfect relationship - because relationships are primarily skills and attitudes. Both are malleable, and both can be learned.
*Note: Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Attention Deficit Disorders (ADHD) are not psychological disorders. They are neurological disorders. Although, of course, they can impact mental and relational health.