Sex Therapy That Actually Talks About Sex
Evidence-based sex and relationship therapy for individuals and couples
Sex can be one of the most pleasurable, connecting and life-giving parts of being human. It can also become complicated.
Maybe you have stopped wanting sex. Maybe your partner wants it more than you do. Maybe sex has become painful, pressured, awkward, disappointing or something you quietly avoid. Perhaps erections, orgasm, arousal or sexual confidence have changed. Or maybe nothing is obviously “wrong”, but the sex you are having simply isn’t the sex you want to be having.
You do not need to be in crisis to come to sex therapy. You just need to want something to be different.
Sex therapy with Serafin Upton offers a confidential, direct and non-judgemental space to understand what is happening and, importantly, what you can actually do about it.
Maybe this sounds familiar
You love your partner, but you rarely want sex with them.
One of you initiates. The other avoids. Eventually neither of you knows how to approach the subject without somebody feeling rejected, pressured or inadequate.
Sex used to be easy and spontaneous. Now it feels like another item on the relationship to-do list.
You want sex, but your body doesn't seem to cooperate.
You can orgasm alone but struggle with a partner.
You experience pain during penetration.
You worry about erections or sexual performance.
You have lost sexual confidence after having children, ageing, illness, menopause, relationship difficulties or changes in your body.
You want different things sexually and don't know whether the difference can actually be resolved.
Or perhaps you have simply reached the point where you think:
There has to be more to our sex life than this.
There usually can be.
Sex problems are rarely just about sex
This is one of the reasons generic advice like “schedule date nights”, “communicate more” or “try something new in the bedroom” so often fails.
Sexuality sits at the intersection of your body, brain, relationship, history and circumstances.
Desire can be affected by resentment, exhaustion, stress, medication, hormones, parenthood, ADHD, body image, pain, shame, trauma, relationship dynamics, ageing, sexual scripts, mismatched desire and hundreds of small interactions that accumulate between two people over time.
Sometimes the problem is primarily sexual. Sometimes it is relational. Usually it is both.
Good sex therapy works out which is which.
What I help with
I work with individuals and couples experiencing concerns including:
Low or lost sexual desire
When you rarely think about sex anymore, don't understand where your libido went, or want to want sex but simply don't.
Mismatched desire
When one partner wants sex significantly more often than the other and sex has become a source of rejection, pressure, resentment or conflict.
Erectile and arousal difficulties
Understanding the interaction between physiology, anxiety, attention, pressure, relationship dynamics and sexual stimulation.
Painful sex
Including pain with penetration, pelvic floor difficulties, vaginismus, vulvodynia and the psychological and relationship impact of persistent sexual pain.
Difficulty reaching orgasm
Whether orgasm has always been difficult, has changed over time, or happens easily alone but not with a partner.
Sex after children
Navigating changes in desire, bodies, identity, exhaustion, resentment, privacy and the enormous transition from lovers to parents.
Sex during perimenopause and menopause
Including changes in desire, arousal, comfort, orgasm, body confidence and relationships.
ADHD and sex
Including novelty, distraction, sensory needs, hyperfocus, boredom, impulsivity, emotional regulation and differences in desire.
Sex after infidelity
Navigating desire, hurt, disgust, longing, jealousy, comparison, trust and sexual reconnection following betrayal.
Sexual shame and confidence
Including difficulty asking for what you want, receiving pleasure, being seen, initiating sex or allowing yourself to fully participate in sexual pleasure.
Performance anxiety
When thinking about whether sex is “working” makes it almost impossible to experience it.
Different sexual interests or preferences
Helping couples talk honestly about what they want without turning difference into shame, coercion or rejection.
And sometimes:
“Our sex life isn’t terrible. We just want it to be much better.”
That is a perfectly legitimate reason to come.
This isn’t about getting you to have more sex
More sex is not automatically better sex.
And successful sex therapy does not mean persuading the lower-desire partner to provide more sex to keep the higher-desire partner happy.
The goal is to understand what creates genuine desire, pleasure, safety, eroticism and connection for you, while helping couples navigate sexual differences without pressure, avoidance or resentment.
Sometimes that leads to more sex. Sometimes it leads to different sex.
Sometimes it means completely redefining what sex has become in your relationship.
The important part is that your sexual relationship becomes something you can participate in authentically, rather than something one person pursues and the other manages.
You can talk to me about the things you can’t say anywhere else
Sex therapy shouldn’t require you to sanitise your sex life for your therapist.
MasturbationBodiesDesirePornNo DesireFantasiesSex you're embarrassed to admit you wantSex you wantKinkSexual experiences that confuse youThings you desperately wish your partner understoodErectionsOrgasmsSex you don't wantSex toysThings you haven't told your partnerNothing needs to be made respectable before we can talk about it.
I’m Serafin Upton, a relationship therapist with more than 20 years’ clinical experience working with individuals and couples.
My postgraduate training spans psychology, psychotherapy and social work, and my approach to relationship therapy has also been shaped by advanced training with internationally recognised relationship therapists Esther Perel and Terry Real.
My work has been featured by RNZ National and TVNZ, and I regularly work with the complicated intersection between sexuality, relationships, attachment, trauma, neurodivergence and the realities of modern adult life.
But credentials are only useful if they translate into useful therapy.
My style is active, curious and direct.
We’ll work out what is actually happening, why it keeps happening, and what needs to change.
Sex therapy should give you more than somewhere to talk about your sex life. It should help you understand it.
About Serafin
Sex and relationship therapy grounded in evidence, not judgement
Frequently Asked Questions
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You won't be asked to do anything sexual during a session. Sex therapy is talking therapy.
We begin by understanding the problem properly. That might include your sexual history, relationship, physical health, medications, experiences of desire and arousal, sexual pain, beliefs about sex, patterns between you and your partner, and what happens before, during and after sexual encounters.
From there, therapy is tailored to what is actually maintaining the difficulty. Depending on the issue, that might involve psychoeducation, relationship work, communication strategies, behavioural exercises, changing sexual scripts, rebuilding eroticism, addressing anxiety or shame, or working collaboratively with appropriate medical and pelvic-health professionals.
There isn't one prescription for a good sex life. The aim is to understand yours.
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No. I work with both individuals and couples.
You can come alone because something about your sexuality is troubling you. You can come because your relationship is affecting your sex life. You can come together because sex has become the argument underneath all the other arguments.
And your partner does not have to agree that there is a “problem” before you are allowed to seek help.
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You're not unusual.
Once avoidance becomes established, couples can become extraordinarily good at arranging their lives so the question of sex never quite has to arise. Going to bed at different times. Staying on phones. Waiting until somebody is exhausted. Avoiding physical affection because it might “lead somewhere”. Eventually even a kiss can feel loaded.
That pattern can be changed. The first goal isn't necessarily intercourse. Often it is making relating, touch, affection and sexuality feel possible again without either person wondering what they are now obligated to do.
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You don't need to. That's part of the work.
Low desire isn't a diagnosis of a failed relationship, and it doesn't automatically mean you aren't attracted to your partner.
Sometimes desire disappears because of what is happening inside the relationship. Sometimes because of what is happening inside the body. Sometimes because the kind of sex being offered simply isn't particularly desirable.
And sometimes we discover that desire hasn't disappeared at all. It just requires different conditions than it used to.
Better sex starts with understanding what is actually happening.
Better sex starts with understanding what is actually happening.
You don’t need to wait until your relationship is falling apart.
You don’t need to know exactly what the problem is.
And you definitely don’t need to arrive with the vocabulary to explain it perfectly. That’s my job.
If something about sex, intimacy or desire isn’t working for you anymore, we can start there.